I apologize in advance for this blog. I spent or rather, wasted, several hours of my day today catching up on The Hills. I'll try to contain myself from adding too much drama, hook-ups, break-ups or fashion elements to my story. The show has been compared to crack, and although I wouldn't know, I can imagine it is close. I watch it for it's train wreck qualities in that watching Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montage forces me to watch elements of my own life lived on television. Spencer is my ex husband+ my high school boyfriend with a little extra Hollywood "real life" drama thrown in. I can basically tell you what he's going to say before he says it because I've lived it. It makes me sick to watch, yet I can't turn it off. Gotta love MTV.
I'm still struggling with getting the house packed up and ready to sit on the market. Every time I go up there there seems to be some kind of new drama disrupting my peace, so I think I'm avoiding it.
Two weeks ago I went to grab a baby item of ours I had promised to a friend of mine after he said he was ok with giving the baby stuff away. Guess what? The Rubbermaid that had what I needed in it was missing. Ok, I thought. Weird, but I'll just call him and tell him he mistakenly took that. NOPE. Not a mistake. Even after I explained that I promised to give that item to a friend, he refused to give it back. Apparently because this friend is a "friend," to me, she must accept who I am and the mistakes I've made in my past. So because of this fact, she's not allowed to have something that was mine and his. I guess I'm supposed to be friendless. Unfortunantly for him, my friends disagree....
Every other time I go up there, something is missing. A picture, painting, appliances....When I asked him about them he replies, "well all of the good things were in your pile, so I took them." Um....WHY have I been sorting through stuff for the last month? So we could somehow figure out who's went where BEFORE we took it. Apparently he went up there today and packed up all of "his," stuff. I'm wondering just what is left up there for me.....
My favorite so far is the help that I've received on patching the holes in the ceiling that the ex refused to patch for the last two years. There's a guy at church that volunteered, or I should say was volunteered to come up and fix it. For FREE... The ex tried to tell me he was going to take me to court for having someone fix the holes without his permission. For FREE people!!!! I told him to go ahead and drag me on in to that judge.
I knew this was going to be this way. When he called me last October when I moved out and yelled at me for all of the stuff I took, and didn't take, I knew if this became permanent it was going to be crazy. I haven't been disappointed. My biggest quandry is whether or not to care. I've said it before, it's just stuff. It's just a house. But he thinks he deserves everything and I deserve nothing and THAT is the hardest thing to walk away from. I could just walk away and give him the "stuff." But where is the justice in THAT? Am I letting him get away with treating me like this once again? And for what.....FREEDOM?!!? And the truth is...I'm not the one that gets to judge what he deserves and what I deserve. We both deserve nothing. Am I putting my identity in the injustice of it all, when it really should be elsewhere? What approach most shows the person that I am now, and not the person that I was then? All questions I'm still wrestling with.
On another note...He had his parenting assessment with Bella last week. Now we're just waiting for the counselor to write the report and him to pay to have it released. He's already told me he's taking me to court about the fees of the assessment, which would cost more than just paying the assesment. I'm hoping his attorney helps him figure out that one.
People keep saying "beauty from pain, Laura...beauty from pain." Well there have been some ugly/painful wounds I've been dealing with, but once I accepted that I was flawed, God's been working to show me the beauty. I have complete faith that one day I will look back on all this and see how He's created something beautiful out of my complete mess.
5 comments:
Wow Laura. I'm sorry you are going through this and that the ex is being such an a-hole. You are a strong woman to stand up to him, and I hope that you continue to do what is best for you and Bella to live a healthy life.
I know it may not seem like it, but it will be worth it in the end. And ya know what? I think if you were to just let "the stuff" go without fighting it, it'll either make him more angry, or let himself feel justified, but him, and everyone else will know deep down what he's really all about.
I'm here if you need me!!
Did any of that make sense? lol
In a lot of ways, I think you are going to have to focus on the fact that God is just. We are not. You are not going to get all of your stuff. He should know that you've noticed, and that God notices, and that the attorneys will probably notice. In the end, God will serve justice, whether that is here or in eternity. I do pray for justice here, but I have peace knowing it will come eventually, even in the most unjust sitations. Put your faith in that.
Hang in there Laura...
Nothing too much that I can say can help you get through this, except that you WILL get through this. And in one piece. And in a a more whole piece than you started the process in, because you are evolving and growing. You are struggling to deal with someone who not growing, and in fact, is regressing. Remember to try to focus on what you can control, and give the rest to God.
On a lighter side, I totally watch the Hills. One of the many guilty pleasures I have.
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