Defining me

It seems that lately I have been bombarded with the negative identity that another person in my life thinks belongs to me. I have pretty thick skin at this point, and for the most part I can let things roll off my back, or whatever the saying is, and ignore them. But it's been non-stop lately and I have to admit, by mid-week with the exhaustion of spending my spare time painting at the house, and my schedule at work, it finally got to me. I know who he says I am is not the truth, but when I hear it enough, my mind starts to accept it. SO this is my defense. This is me reminding myself who I REALLY am. And it helps to have others around who know it too. THANKS for all of your positive comments on all of my blogs=).

First and most important to me. I am a full on believer in Jesus Christ. Call me crazy, a hypocrite, whatever comes to mind. I have lived most of my life saying that I believe, and living otherwise. That is changing...slowly... I believe that God exists and he loved me so much that he sent his Son to die the horrible death that I deserved. I believe that He calls me to find my identity in the fact that even though I was that person that my ex tells me I am, Christ took that on and made me a NEW person. I often take this new person and dilute it with someone who is judgmental, self righteous, insecure, outwardly obedient and inwardly angry and joyless. I consistently have doubts, act otherwise, and try to hide it. God lovingly humbles me by reminding me that the world revolves around the gift that HE gave, not MY life, wants or desires. I can't deny it. I believe this with every ounce of my being.

That said...I am also a mother, sister, daughter and friend.

My relationship with my family has grown closer than ever as they've shared in my trials with me. I've learned that it is true that family is always family no matter what.

I am not a perfect mother, or even close..but I do allow my daughter to live in an environment where feelings are allowed to be shared. I tell her "I love you when you're sad, I love you when you're mad, I love you when you're laughing, I love you when you're crying." My love for her will NEVER be conditional. Her father has told me that he will tell her all about who he thinks that I am, and my constant prayer is that she will see me living in that NEW life that God has granted me, and that it will be one she will want to model her own after.

My friendships are mostly new, although there are a few that I have kept up over the years. I have leaned on my friends constantly, and I look forward to a time in life when I can pay it back to them all. I am horrible about keeping in touch if friends don't text or email. I will put off phone conversations at all costs. I am also ridiculously shy and self-conscious and it is a miracle that I know any new people at all!

For most of my life, all I wanted was to look like this several times

and be a stay at home mom(maybe there was a secret desire to sing on Broadway too). I still want to have more kids someday, but I have told myself that I will never put myself in a position where I don't have some kind of my own income. I would never be where I am today, if I didn't have my own income.

I love my dogs. And I miss them like crazy. There was a time when I was given the ultimatum to stay living in the house or take Aspen to the pound and I said I would have to take her to the pound. I didn't have to do that thankfully, but I will always feel sad that it might have come down to that. Now I'm not allowed to have visits because I "abandoned," them.


I love my church, or at least the people that attend. I have met so many incredible people there that shatter every judgment I always made about church going people. I actually listen to what's being taught each week, and it's relevant, authentic and helpful to me. I love that they're not afraid to cancel services every now and then so we can go out and do things for/with our friends, neighbors etc.

I am consistently late. Always. I was born nine days late and it never changed. I can set my alarm for earlier and earlier in the morning, and somehow be later and later to get where I'm going.

I love to sleep. Sleeping in is a gift to me. I love to wake up in the middle of the night and know that I still have hours and hours of sleep in front of me. In high school when I was extremely sleep deprived, I would actually set my alarm for the middle of the night, JUST to wake up and know I had lots of sleep ahead of me. Go ahead..psychoanalyze....=).

I am overly critical about marriages. I kept my marriage troubles a secret for so long, that I just assume everyone else is keeping theirs quiet too. For a long time I doubted that there was such a thing as a happy marriage, and said I never wanted to get married again. I have restored my faith in true love (which is good for Bella's sake...I couldn't handle princess movies for quite some time). I believe true love only comes when two people have figured out and are comfortable in their own identity, and their identities just weave in and out of each other instead of conforming to one or the other.

I love nature. Whether I'm outside enjoying it, or sitting in a tower room watching the ocean roll in..I love to watch the earth do it's thing.

I am NOT artistic, crafty or the decorator type. I would have to pay someone to have my living space be in the style that I would like it to be. I just don't have that touch. I will never learn to sew. I will forever tape or glue my pants rather than hem them.

I love music. Love it, love it, love it. All kinds. My biggest problem is I usually love a song to death within the first week of hearing it. I have learned to wean myself.

Ok, before this turns in to "I love long walks on the beach....," I will stop. I could go on...there is so much more about me, good and bad, that I am just now figuring out. It IS nice to have this blog, so I can remember who I AM and forget about who I AM NOT.