Under the Covers

There have been so many days lately where I've longed to be a kid again. I have so many uncertain's that sometimes I just sit and dream of the days where my decisions were about whether to ride my bike or play with friends after school. Who am I kidding really? My childhood wasn't that simple..but a girl can dream.

The image of me crawling into to bed and pulling the covers over my head has sat itself on pause in the slideshow in my brain. So much so that I actually did it on Saturday.

I was up at the house, pulling weeds and I just started looking around the house. So much outside work needing done now, work that HE always was in charge of. The outside water can't be turned on now because the outside faucet froze and cracked and water sprays everywhere. I can't have sprinklers without outside water. The grass will soon start to die without sprinklers. Dead grass equals 0 curb appeal. I called and asked HIM to take a look and he said, "yeah, I might be able to take a look, it just depends on what time I'm done with work this week." MIGHT?!?!?! DEPENDS ON WORK???

This house has taken its toll on me and now it just seems more and more to shout at me..

"LOOK!! THIS IS YOUR FAILURE!!! You could have stayed here....you could have lived in hell. Other's have done it. You're living through hell as it is trying to get away from me..Is it really worth it?"

I ran away at that point. Like a scared little girl, I stood up walked to my car and left...
"I've had enough of this," my head screamed. "All this work I've done, time I've spent and HE wants to take me to court for not agreeing on HIS realtor?? He wants to say that I've delayed the sale of the house!!! Who is this person and how did I EVER fall in love with him? And how do I avoid making that same mistake in my next relationship???"

So on this beautiful Saturday afternoon at 12:43pm I walked into my apartment, crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head. I could have stayed there all day I think. It's easy to ignore it all when you see only darkness. If you can't see the monsters, they don't exist.

I didn't stay there all day...someone called and I reluctantly answered the phone. He helped me work out a game plan to get the work done that needed to be done and made the monsters not seem so scary anymore. Later I went back to the house with Dad who helped me figure out how to do what I could.

I started to think more clearly and remembered that this is not forever. This house WILL sell at some point. My life WILL move on. The battle IS worth it, because the war has been won. I am FREE!!

The problem with monsters I'm learning is that even when you ignore them, they still exist. Pulling the covers over my head just prolongs the problems. I've got my sword and armor ready..I just have to remember that and USE them!! Sometimes it's just easier to hide for awhile.