I can do this..right?

One of my favorite movies is "The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood." The books are even better, and if you haven't read them, I'd recommend you buy them TODAY!! Yes, they are THAT good. There's something about the web of friendship in the story line that makes me say "screw the boys, just find some really good girl friends and enjoy life together."

Anyways, there's a scene in the movie where Ashley Judd, who plays Viviane, has a complete breakdown, runs away to a hotel and sleeps for days. Granted she leaves her kids and family in complete turmoil... but she got to that point where she just couldn't handle it anymore. That scene has played itself over and over in my head the past few years. There have been many times where I've desired to do the same thing; and when I was still living with my ex I actually tried to do it a few times...It just never quite worked out the way it does in movies..

I'm to that point again right now. The one where I say forget it, I can' do it, this isn't happening... If I hear one more "but why mom," "I need you to do...," "what time will you be...," "what have you decided.." "how are you? but don't really answer cause I don't want to hear the true answer...," "you're late again.."

The majority of this wraps around my own selfish attitude. I have been so INCREDIBLY blessed for the last 2 years. Somehow in August of 2007, I figured out a way to spend every penny that I had each month, to move into an apartment AND continue to pay half of the mortgage on my house. After the ex said there was NO way I could do it. No way I could afford it or survive on my own. I did it. I wasn't sure how it was going to work and I had an extremely strict budget, but I made it work. And GOD provided! I never went without..I never ran out of money...I never struggled to buy food.

I remember the first night in my apartment..feeling so free.. free to talk to myself, free to stay up late, free to go to bed early, free to go to the store at midnight without telling anyone, free to cry..and I have LOVED that freedom! After 11 years of having every move controlled by someone else..I have loved being the one in charge of me!

Ahh..but all good things must come to an end. Until the house sells (if ever..), I am moving into my parents basement. And I am struggling... I am so afraid of losing all of that freedom that I have come to love. There is no indication from my parents that I am going to lose it, but I automatically fall back to that 15 year old child and I fear that I won't be able to move past it. I fear all of that idividuality I have gained is going to be stripped away.

So here's to a new chapter. One where I get rid of my selfish attitude and thank God for all he has provided..Where I relish the time I am going to spend with my parents and the space that has been provided for me. Where I face the challenge ahead of me instead of running away to a hotel room and locking the world away. Where I give back to those around me, all that has been given to me. After all..it's not really about me...

I know God has a plan for me, and this is just a season of waiting to see how that plan is going to play out.