Looking back..and forward

I just finished reading some old blogs on MySpace...they remind me of who I am and where I came from. It's amazing to me to find such a woman of strength, hope and joy writing in the midst of such a huge storm. I look at my life now that things have calmed down and find that I have lost a lot of that. It seems it's easier to trust Jesus to walk on water during a storm than it is during the calm.

The reality of this court process has finally hit me. I think I really thought that the system would see how hard it has been on me and Isabella and save us all from continuing this crazy 50/50 pattern. When I left my ex, I didn't think there was a chance that I wouldn't be awarded custody. I had done everything to raise her for those first 3 years, so why wouldn't they?

Perhaps the hardest lesson I've had to learn is that I am responsible for part of this. I always put all of the blame on him, but I did my part. I chose to walk away and to step out of my marriage before I gave him the chance to change. Once I gave him the chance to change it was too late, too much damage had been done. I had no hope anymore. I was a ghost of a person with the only light I could see being away from him. 10 years of abuse will do that to you. Now that it's all final I wonder if I could have stayed. What could I have done differently to save Isabella from this constant back and forth that she hates? Could I have made it through and just allowed that ghost of a person to make it through for the sake of her? I often thought about having one more child with him before I left so she wouldn't have to be alone. Sick thinking, I know. She asks me that sometime too. I know, I know, I KNOW I did the right thing. But still..it feels selfish. When I had the hope of the 50/50 pattern being changed, I didn't have to face all of these thoughts. But now that it's final..there they are.

I also learned to listen to my own opinion. I was so used to my opinion being shut down, that I needed everyone to believe me about how bad the relationship was to make it be true. I went through marriage counseling with him because everyone said that was the right thing to do, when my own opinion said it was damaged beyond repair. The cost of not listening to my instincts would be huge. If I would have filed for divorce in April of 2007 when I originally wanted to, then the parenting plan would have been in place much sooner, Isabella would have missed seeing the worst of the fights that she saw, and I wouldn't have believed a marriage counselor who told me that 50/50 would be fine for a three year old. The judge wouldn't have been able to use that against me by saying that I originally agreed to it, and now it's what she's used to.

The good part of it all is that it is final..or will be soon. The ex has left me alone for quite awhile now... I have a shimmer of hope in relationships again and more of an understanding in the commitment and hard work they take... Isabella is a resilient child.. I have more life experiences under my belt to use in my future life... AND I serve a God that continues to love me in the storm and the calm.