"did he hit ya?"

Ok, I'm going to be on my soapbox for a moment. I won't stay up here for long I promise! I'be been stewing all week over a blog I read by a woman who is trying to get help in leaving her abusive husband and the first question she is always asked is "well did he hit ya?" The other bloggers on that site, myself included started to share stories similar to hers and it just got me wanting to wave my magic wand and change the world.
I've been in her shoes and I know how frustrating it is! To the general public, it seems abuse is not abuse until the fists fly...until you have a bruise to show..until he tries to hit you with a baseball bat...until he throws you down...until he "hits ya." I see it even when I share my own story. I see the change in their eyes once I say, "yes, he was physically abusive at times." It's like at that point, they think.."Wow, what a horrible experience!"
Let me tell you, the physical stuff was not the problem..Most of the woman on the site agreed that if he had truly hit them, they would have left. Immediately.. But they stayed, because of society's view on what is acceptable to leave for.
It's the psychological things that kill your soul.. the coersion, the guilt, the control, the name calling, the slow methodical isolation..all the stuff I've listed before.. THAT'S what takes the longest to heal.

My friend wrote:

"And yet, there it is."Did he hit ya?"

No. No he didn't hit me. And if he didn't hit me, then there was no abuse right?

After all, they're just guys. They're just the good ol' boys just blowing off a little steam, and acting the fool sometimes. Like a man.

And us, we're just the hysterical women. The nagging bitches. The drama queens, always making something out of nothing, right?

Hell no, it's not right! But it is how a lot of people think."

So the next time someone seeks help from you with their marriage, relationship, WHATEVER, please do me a favor and avoid asking "well did he hit ya?"