The wedding

I get to add another notch to my bravery belt! I did one of the scariest things I've had to do yet since filing for divorce. I attended.....A WEDDING!! Not just any wedding, but a wedding where my ex was the best man. A wedding full of people who in my mind were out to prove my guilt and hang me for my "unforgivable" sins. Except the bride and groom. The bride and groom are two of the few people who have managed to stay friends with both of us through this process. A gift that is hard to give I'm sure!

Over the last few weeks as I've told friends about the situation I was putting myself into I've had several friends say..."um WHY are you putting yourself through this?" To which I had to remark, "because it's Bob and Jenn!" The problem was that well, I knew Bob and Jenn would be occupied and unable to help me out if the punches started flying.

I've been nervous about this wedding for months. I always pictured a fellow blogger and MySpace friend, whose husband was in the wedding, there with me and being someone to sit by at the reception (yes, you know who you are...) but she got really sick and couldn't come...or something like that (a-choo, cough..I really do forgive you, or will soon)..So I've known for a couple of weeks it would just be me. I hadn't really gotten any "we're here for you" emails from the rest of the crowd so I had no idea what to expect or what people had been told. The hardest thing to accept here is that most of what has been told about me IS true, but it's not the end of my story! I DID do those horrible things, but I learned from them, and changed. Most of these people didn't hear that part, or the other half of the story as to why things didn't work out.

And then there was last week. Last week was one emotional roller coaster after another and late nights every night. Things didn't stop getting thrown my way even as I drove down to Yakima. I was exhausted and extremely emotional.

So there I was unloading Bella at the hotel, not knowing who I would see first. My stomach in absolute knots. Part of me wanting to say "hey look at me, I'm new and improved" the other half wanting to get in the car and drive home.

The first people I saw were good friends of mine and his. We went to their wedding, visited them when they came up from Texas..those kind of friends. Maybe they didn't know what to say, but the cold shoulder was what I felt. Awkward silence... I walked away having to fight myself from getting back in the car. There were no less that five more of those type of experiences before I was even dressed for the wedding. I had Bella though, who is an amazing ice breaker in all situations and managed to help me secure a seat next to Grandma.

You can imagine weddings are tough for the newly divorced. All the memories of the day you thought you began the rest of your life. All the references to marriage being sacred and not meant to be broken. It's enough to make you feel like all eyes in the room are on you..the newly divorced..the one that couldn't make it work. Mostly I just knew it would be ammunition for an argument later with my ex when he once again tells me how I've failed in life by ending our marriage. A prophecy which was fufilled by 2pm the next day...

By the time the ceremony ended, I was a bundle of emotions. Trying to hold my head high, trying not to notice the "yeah, she's the one," comment, just trying to get out of there. And there was Bob's dad. We've spent lots of time with Bob's family. I don't know how it started, but we spent several Labor Day weekends on the Columbia river with Bob and them, just wasting the days away on their boat. They've been like parents to me. But.. I haven't talked to them since it all went down. I had an idea that they supported me, but I just didn't know what to expect. So there's his dad..bounding over and scooping me up into a monster hug and saying, "I'm so sorry to hear about you guys, but no matter what, YOU are still family to us." It was too much. The flood gates opened and the tears rolled down. THANK GOD for waterproof mascara! There I was, in front of everyone, absolutely sobbing, and I couldn't stop it.. He felt horrible, Bella was looking at me like my head had exploded and the mother in law was still right next to me. The ex showed up right then too. He took Bella, I walked outside and prayed for God to take me away right at that moment.. or at least make the tears go away. He granted the latter. I put myself back together, waited for Bella to come out with grandma and walked gracefully over to the reception.

The rest of the night is kind of a blur..NO I didn't drink too much. It just went smoothly after that. The mother in law and I managed to catch up on news of the family; Bella and I had a fabulous time dancing; and I made small talk with some old friends. not all, but some. Bob and Jenn expressed over and over how thankful they were to me for coming..(told you I couldn't have ditched it!) And the ex and I managed one night with no arguments! There were several looks, and walk bys especially when I was talking with any males.. but no scenes were made.

The most amazing part to me? I sat down with Bob's parents later in the night and discussed "life," with them. They didn't ask questions, they didn't want details, but when I brought up how I had changed for the better they asked me about church. I told them that I had found a great church full of broken people like me who accept me as I am and forgive my shortcomings. A church that teaches me that God's grace is enough and I can never be "good enough, or do enough things" to earn it..it's just given because God loves me that much...I told them that I feel more free following God's will then I've ever felt living the other way... They both got huge smiles on their faces. They've found the same.

God is truly amazing.