Work is SO slow right now. In the next few weeks it's going to get crazy again until June..but in the meantime, I am scrambling to keep myself busy. OBVIOUSLY!
I had a revelation this morning while driving to work this morning. The sun was a huge orange ball in the center of my view, I was on time and I have new shoes on..WHAT else could a girl want (really, what kind of saying is that? There's lots that a girl could want...like shoes and being on time satisfy my every desire.. REALLY)!! Back to the revelation...
So for the past well forever..I've let circumstances dictate my happiness. It's pure human-ness but I believe that I have the ability to overcome this innate part of me. This basic form of human broken-ness has caused huge problems in my life and well contributed to my current set of circumstances. The biggest issue for me? Relationships...
Since I was a little itty bitty girl being chased on the playground by the boy that wanted to marry me on Wedding Wednesday, I've let my happiness be related to whether or not the boy that I liked liked me back. Whether or not HE was the one chasing me on the playground. And when HE didn't chase me, I'd convince myself that the one who WAS chasing me would make me happy because he liked me. And what more could you ask for than someone who likes you.? So then my happiness became wrapped up in whether or not that boy that chased me still liked me and chased me the next day on the playground. There it is..happiness based on others behaviors. WHAT A MESS!
So here I am now, a grown up (well kind of) trying to figure out what the rest of my life is going to look like. A few months ago I broke down again and decided that the only way I could be happy was having that boy chase me again. Same old philosophy 25 years later. I started going out with friends in search of the one who would give me that happiness I desired. I've had some funny stories to go with this...such as the World of Warcraft incident; or the HOT guy at the bar that I gave my number to and actually got a text from him later that week (I CAN work it!! No worries, I wasn't interested).
I've even ended up in a I don't know what to call it.."mini" relationship? We've had the DTR so many times that I don't remember what we defined...Since hanging out with this person I've found myself again only finding happiness when he was telling me how much he liked hanging out with me. The rest of the time I was struggling to get that "happy" feeling back and wondering what was wrong with me if I didn't have it. YUCK!!
So here's what I've decided...Happiness is a choice and I choose to be happy. I like me. I like hanging out with me. I'm happy if I'm in a healthy relationship..and I am happy if I'm not in a relationship at all. I'm happy hanging out with the girlfriends and I'm happy hanging with the boys. My happiness is no longer found in my circumstances or whether or not that person wanted to hang out with me. My happiness comes from knowing that I'm in control of me and how I choose to walk through life. And the greatest happiness of all is in giving that control to God and knowing that HE has the ultimate happiness waiting for me!
3 comments:
It's scary to me how much we are alike... I've always struggled with being happy... and some of your situations I've experienced! And I must say watching (reading) you "grow" and learn from everything is inspiring me... to be a better person and to well "grow" to.
As hard as it may be to share your struggles I am thankful for it and admire you more than you may ever know!!!
I'm coming to Spokane to visit you, we need to get our girls together! :)
You're so right. It's hard to get past that addiction to approval. I think you're making a good decision, one that you will probably have to make over and over and over. But it's worth doing over and over and over, for sure.
This is what I'm working on right now. Being happy FOR me. Not for any one else, not trying to make any one else happy. If they don't like it, lump it! Happiness is a choice, and for some of it, it's something you have to work at consciously because of our traumatic, dysfunctional relationships and childhoods.. It's hard work, but somebody's gotta do it!!
Eventually, you won't have to remind yourself, and it will come naturally!
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