Blocked

I have a blockage problem. Not the kind you probably thought of at first, thank God.. I have writers block. I just spent two months writing a paper that is probably the worst put together paper I have ever written, AND the most important. GREAT combination. It took me being completely under the time gun in order for me to finish it and even then, I am not proud of my work. We'll see how it goes with the prof.

Beyond that though... I've had a couple of people asking me when I was going to blog again, and of course I think soon..I'll be back soon... and then I sit down and type out complete nonsense, erase it and walk away. I'm tempted with the start of this one....

I haven't been able to journal either. This coming from one who for three years straight was a two to three page journaler a day. Now I just sit and stare at the pages with nothing to say.

I'm blank.

This has cause huge issues with my thought processes too. I'm all jumbled up. I feel like there's a dam in my brain with thoughts being held up behind it and theres serious pressure behind it all to get them out. I can't think clearly. Watch me try to get some of it out...

I'm lost.

During lent three years ago, I made a promise to God to seek him. I wasn't quite ready at the time to lay it all down at his feet, but I was going to seek him. 5 months later I gave up all of me and chose to follow him completely. I continued to fight a huge battle with my ex and walked forward in life with purpose. I had a battle to fight, and a God to follow. My life had potential ahead and was going to be so, so much better than what it had been.

Three years later, here I sit. The battle, war whatever is behind me. I lost, but I've come to accept the way it turned out. This is the point where I should be moving ahead in life with joy that it's over, I've gotten through the tunnel and back into the light. Right? One would think.

Instead I look ahead with a bewildered look. What now? I have absolutely no plan. This life looks nothing like the one I planned for. Here's what I have realized...

I'm going to be hooked to my house for awhile. The ex even offered out of the kindness of his heart to "give" it to me. HA! We're going to have to rent it.

I've inherited $16,000 worth of his student loan debt.

I'm driving a car that is my dad's and he wants to sell it. I need to sell my Kia before it dies.

I'm living with my parents and once I can move out, I'm going to have to have a roommate.

I don't make enough from my job to survive on my own.

I have 7 weeks this summer that I'm not getting paid and I have absolutely no way of saving for it.

I'm having to make decisions for myself that I always thought I would have a "partner" to help me decide on.

I may or may not want to have more kids. Depending on the day.

My past has left me with huge issues of jealousy that I'm having to deal with.

My daughter no longer tells me the truth about how she feels, only what she thinks won't hurt me or her Dad.

I have dreams that Seth will turn into an abuser.

Beyond that..I have silence from the God who brought me through it all back when. Nothingness. Someone recently said they felt a "stirring," from God to seek him. I feel nothing. A couple of weeks ago, Seth and I hit a few days of a down period. This is normally when I draw near to God the most and remember that he is my everything not anyone else. This time I couldn't do it. I can't run back to him when I need him and then forget about him when life is good. I don't have it in me to be disappointed in me again when I find I've left him again. What's the point?

My whole world has changed. I challenge many things I took as truth even two years ago. I'm frustrated with the "system." I'm bitter. And now...I'm all blocked up again.