A Year

I swear, I do have other things to blog about!! I guess I have to type about whatever is flowing out though...
I was looking through an old journal last night and realized it's been a year since the scales fell off of my eyes...
I remember the day fairly vividly and what details I've forgotten my journal helped to forever etch the day in my mind. I woke up around 3am to him talking to me. Telling me a dream he had just had. I was in a dead sleep, so of course, I fell back asleep while he was talking. To which he responding with swift kicks to my shins. He justified it by saying that is what I did to him when he snored. Not quite true, but anyways...We had an hour long fightbecause I didn't take him seriously enough to wake up and listen to his dream. Not long after he fell back asleep, Bella woke up and wanted me to cuddle with her. So I climbed into bed with her. I woke up to him standing over and yelling at me because I hadn't told him that I was sleeping with Bella. He thought I had left. I should have... I climbed back into our bed and slept until the alarm went off.

I don't have clear details about how things continued badly, I just know they did. My journal says this...He threw the shower rod and curtain at me while I showered all because he had done something he thought was funny, that I had told him not to, then he did it twice more. When I told him to stop, he got angry.... I remember feeling so vulnerable after taking the curtain off of me, standing there in front of a man with such hate, shampoo in my hair, dripping wet, but NOT letting myself cry. I was NOT going to give him that satisfaction. Bella woke up at that point so for a little bit things were calm.

By the time I went down for breakfast, the calmness was gone. There he was holding our child screaming at me to GET OUT OF HIS HOUSE...calling me a whore, slut..whatever else he could think of. He finally stopped when the babysitter arrived and he had to get to work. Sadly, this part of the day blends with others because SO many mornings were like this. But I always answered the phone when he called on his way to work and accepted his "I don't want things to be this way, but you have to know how much you hurt me," apology's. This day, I said no more...

Instead of answering his attempts to save himself..I called someone who loved and supported me. She suggested I look up emotional/verbal abuse. I thought, no way..it's not that...Work was light that day, so I Googled it. The first site I clicked on had the following intro...

"This site is dedicated to the woman who have fought to love and understand in total solitude men that rage at them, call them names, criticize them, joke about their insecurities, mock their choices, trivialize their experiences, yell at them, threaten them...THEN tell them they deserve it. And to top it off, he denies it as he charms everyone he meets."

My mouth dropped at that point. Holy chitt...could this really be??? I continued reading throughout the day, experiences that were identical to mine. Things that I thought were unique to me, NOPE..It was like finally placing that final piece in the puzzle of our relationship.

Meanwhile, he continued calling me throughout the day. I continued to press ignore. A BIG NO, NO in our relationship. I wrote him a letter then. I wrote down every sign of abuse and wrote out all of the things he had done to me that went along with the signs. I knew that night would be awful.

I got home from work to hear details of the day from the babysitter. She reported to me that Bella had told her, "Daddy calls mommy bad things," "Daddy yelled at Mommy and Mommy yelled at Daddy," "They yelled last morning too," and "Daddy told Mommy to get out of his house." Enough. My heart screamed ENOUGH!!! I knew I couldn't put her through another argument like I knew that night would be. I knew I was too scared to face him alone with the information I had. So I took Bella to a family members and had family help me out with a hotel room. HE WAS FURIOUS.. Left me horrible messages about how dare I take Bella anywhere..then wanted me to call him and let him know if I fed the dogs..ummm...NO, not taking that bait!

I remember the embarrassement of telling the hotel clerk that there was to be no name tied to my room. I could not have any phone calls, asking if my room was secure..etc. She knew....

So I met him in counseling the next day. Absolutely trembling... and read him the letter. Sure that he was going to come across that couch and tackle me. But no..instead I got the..yeah I've done those things, you're right.. and a counselor who told me to go home and talk all this out with him..WHAT A JOKE!! You can imagine how THAT night went!

But there started the process...that's when the education began and the patterns started becoming clear. And from there, it took 8 more months for me to finally say enough, but I credit August 1st, 2007 as the starting point. Happy anniversary to the educated me...